(originally posted April 24th, 2008)
I find this litany often in my head..all the tasks, projects, responsibilities, life changes, bad habits to surrender etc. Sometimes it can be useful to rehearse the “to do list” and see how it stretches out to fill in the days, keep the time line moving forward in one’s life as a way staying on track. Recently, I am having a shift where I see how by projecting the sense of obligation and overwhelm that often accompanies this voice, I am really just sending a mixed message of resistance rather than one of clear intent. The push/pull, split between really wanting things to get done and the fear of it all coming to pass. Someone once said something to the effect, ” I have so much to do, I’ll never die.” Procrastination, which is really just a veil of resistance, is a funny thing.
What’s the counterpoint, the antidote, the tool if you will to use in working with resistance? I find, of course, that the first thing is to have awareness, to feel the resistance, observe it when it comes up. Then sometimes, I can play the inner game of tricking it….”ok I don’t have run x number of miles but I will put on running shoes and run as long as I want…” Giving myself permission, interrupting the punitive voice loop.
Then its the release of just tapping into the divine flow….staying present and feeling the edge of what’s wants to happen next without orchestrating and DECIDING it all….I don’t have to over produce it. Yesterday when I was running in Tivoli bays as I sitting on a dock and I reached out my hand into the all this spring popping energy and brought into my mouth, into my body….feeling myself in the pulse of it all…and trusting that I am not separate from but part of it all..that’s it all just right here, the air on my skin, the opening to the unknown, the love of earth, my heart pounding, trusting to ride the warm air thermals into the day.